The Wrestling Pimp Hand just Ain’t that Strong!!! (Part 1)

When A.K. and I were in Houston enjoying WrestleMania 25 weekend, covering the Superstar Challenge with the THQ crew, he had a very interesting observation that stuck with me. The Pro Wrestler’s pimp hand is not that strong!

So our resident game writer has come up with the first five inductees into this shameless brotherhood.

First off I understand that everyone may not be familiar with what a pimp hand is. After perusing the urban dictionary this is the definition that serves the best purpose for this series.

Pimp Hand (n.) A sign of virility, strength or social efficacy. An informal measure of one’s ability to mack, pimp, or generally to get play, action or get your freak on. Generally characterized as “strong” or “weak.”

When I say the wrestling pimp hand ain’t strong, I’m talking about how these supposed bad ass, world’s toughest athletes seem to have no control over their personal relationships. The wrestling industry is filled with stories of just how weak “pro wrestlers” are when it comes to their respective pimp hand.

Goldust/Dustin Rhodes – On the one hand, you have to give him mad props for landing a bad chick like Terri Boatright aka Marlena. Baby girl was petite and filled out a dress nicely. But any chick that runs your life to the point that your father, The American Dream Dusty Rhodes warns you not to marry the chick and then results in you crying like a lil’ bitch on national television about being estranged from your FATHER for three years earns you a spot on this list.

Johnny B. Badd/Marc Mero – If there’s a lesson to be learned in wrestling, it’s never let the booker book your divorce. It was bad enough that when Mero finally made the move to the WWE back 1996 that upon seeing your wife, Rena Mero (the artist who would go on to become Sable), Vince started drooling over her. But when he made her a wrestling personality, and promoted her more than he did Mero, that’s made it even worse.

As it goes in wrestling, the boyfriend gets jealous on air and they break up and brings in a new chick to oppose his old one. That would have been fine if Vince hadn’t booked Mero to get POWERBOMBED BY HIS WIFE and constantly humiliated.

To make matters worse Sable started having problems with management and decided to leave the WWE.  Like a dumbass or good husband, (you be the judge) he left with her, only to be divorced within a year. But, you just know Vince had to have the last laugh. McMahon not only brought Sable back sans Johnny B. Badd but he also allegedly begins banging behind closed doors before she eventually hooks up with Brock Lesnar!

Matt Hardy – Man, I kind of don’t blame him for this but dude definitely had some bitchassness in him. Matt asked fellow wrestler Edge, one of his closest friends, to watch over his girl Lita on the road while he recuperated from surgery and lengthy rehab and what happens? Edge starts fucking his bitch. To make it worse, instead of just whopping his ass one good time and replacing Lita with a new ring rat, Matt decided to start snitchin’ on them with a blog on his MySpace page. Man card violation for sure.

To add insult to injury, the WWE fired Matt to keep the piece in the locker room and proceeded to put Lita and Edge together as a Main Event act. Only after crowds across the nation kept chanting Hardy’s name at live events did the WWE bring him back, to be humiliated by the duo, night after night. Yeah,

Sidebar: Mad props to Edge for not only scooping up a nice piece of road ass but when his wife found out, she actually stayed with him. Allegedly.

Arn Anderson –We all know of the legendary friendship between the “Nature Boy” and AA. Both are founding members of the Horsemen and they terrorized rings and bars for 20 years. All that ended because they couldn’t control their women. Granted, the two began to grow apart due to Slick Ric running with HHH, Shawn Michaels, Batista, and Orton in WWE, while Arn had to overcome some substance abuse problems. But what irrevocably strained this friendship was Flair’s divorce from his second wife, Beth, who just happened to be close friends with Arn’s wife. That’s right; these two are no longer close friends because Arn’s wife “allegedly” made him stop hanging with Ric because she was taking Beth’s side in their messy divorce. The Enforcer has clearly lost some stripes.

Ricky Steamboat – Twenty some odd years ago “The Dragon” was on top of the world. He had just wrestled in all-time great match at WrestleMania against the “Macho Man” and not only was he wearing the Intercontinental championship, signifying the spot as the Number 2 guy in the promotion but he just had his son, Ricky, Jr.  and he was scheduled to have a lengthy reign as IC champion. So what does his wife, Bonnie, do, she tells him to take time off to spend with his family.

Seriously! Of course Vinny Mac grants Steamboat with the time off, but he immediately makes him drop the title to “The Greatest Intercontinental Champion of All-Time” the Honky Tonk Man and Steamboat quickly fell out of favor in WWE.

Later on when Steamboat was chasing (and soon winning the NWA title) the better half forced Ricky to trot out the family to every big match in 1989. But Ricky truly earns his spot on this list by the fact that after putting up with this chick for 20 years, he finally wised up and left her. Unfortunately, she had better lawyers and got “his wrestling name” in the divorce. That’s right; the reason we had not seen or heard from Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat in the last three years is because his wife owned the rights to his name. Pimp Down, Pimp Down, Pimp Down. – A.K.

Stay tuned for Part 2